Last night I told someone “Go Fuck Yourself!”
Now, for those of you that know me, you may find this a little strange. I’m usually pretty calm, passive and non confrontational. Its not in my nature to swear at people, to tell them off, I just don’t.
In general I prefer to avoid confrontation. I’m a pleaser, and I don’t like to rock the boat, so I will often just take a deep breath, and, with mouth closed, look the other way when I see something I disagree with. Hoping, at times that the situation will correct itself. I’ve only ever told one other person in my life to “Go Fuck Yourself!’ It was in a similar situation with a friend of many years, with whom I had finally had enough. He was shocked by my response.
I am an empath, highly sensitive person and also a psychic, so often times, just closing my eyes and biting my tongue is the best course of action for me, just to avoid drama. I see a lot, know a lot more than I say, but as a sensitive, I often prefer to dis-engage and or walk away That’s just how I have found works best for me, less conflict, less drama, more peace.
But, if you are in my life, and have any sort of emotional relationship with me, you should know two things about me. #1- I am self aware. And, #2 - even though I may not voice it, I am often acutely aware of other people’s thoughts, feelings and motivations. Again, I rarely voice this, I don’t like to invade your private space, your thoughts, when not invited to do so.
However, if we are in an emotional relationship, ( meaning, if you care about me and I care about you), and we engage on a mental and emotional level, I expect two things from you. #1- I expect you to be honest with me and #2- I expect you to be honest with yourself.
Now, this sounds pretty easy, right? Actually it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. You need to get to a place of self awareness, inner knowing and brutal self reflection in order to be honest with your self. This doesn’t happen over night, so I am understanding when people do not recognize their inner motivations to do and say certain things. It happens to all of us, at times, we Re-act, rather than Act.
Often what drives us, as humans is fear and behind that fear can be shame. These two things are almost always rooted in deep childhood psychological trauma that has scarred us into adult hood. These traumas are things we have kept tucked away. These are painful events that we want to forget.
Often what drives us, as humans is fear and behind that fear can be shame. These two things are almost always rooted in deep childhood psychological trauma that has scarred us into adult hood. These traumas are things we have kept tucked away. These are painful events that we want to forget.
But in order to self heal, we need to be aware of these traumas and our triggers. We need to let them out. We need to allow them to teach us how to heal and move forward into healthy and emotionally strong adults. If we are parents, this is even more important. We need to do this for our kids, and not just for self.
The sad truth is that the majority of humans, in hiding from these inner traumas are not emotionally capable of handling conflict situations and so are left with the alternative of letting fear take conrol in times of conflict and stress. This is normal. This is a natural learned and programmed response to stress or to the perception of (ego) being attacked. We all do this.
What happens when you are not aware of your motivations (ie your inner childhood wounding) is that rather than act, with foresight and clarity, we re-act to perceived threats. This causes us to lash out, become defensive and see the other person as an enemy that must be fought during that time of conflict.
I do this too, at times, but I am usually careful to reign it in and trace the re-active behaviour back to its origin. Thought to self “Why did that trigger me? What was I feeling? What was I trying to protect?” The answer almost always rooted in some childhood lack.
I’m not unusual, but I am a bit different than some of you in that I’ve been doing a lot of self work for a number of years. I've done EFT Tapping, Journalling, EMDR, Dream work, psycho-therapy, mirroring exercises, Energy and Chakra Work, Reiki on self, shamanic journeys, and etc.
The most useful work I have done, I believe is the work I’ve done on language so that I speak myself clearly, correctly and with forethought. I used to be at a place, once upon a time, where not only was I unsure of what I want, felt or needed, I was unable to voice it. This was due to a lot of abuse from numerous people in my life. So I programmed myself to be quiet, have no opinion and to have no voice. It took me a long time to undo that, and in fact, I still work on that today, at times.
Over the years I have used a lot of tools to help me decipher myself and the language I use to convey any message. I’ve talked about this before but one of the main helpful tools I have learned is called Precept Language. This very valuable Shamanic Tool helped me voice myself correctly, by looking at lacks within myself that I would project onto other people.
Projection and triggers is a whole other subject, linked to fear and shame, which needs its own article to be covered properly, but suffice it to say that When we are wounded, and lack self awareness, we project our wounds onto others.
Precept language helps us locate triggers and, by removing the other person, putting our self in both the projector and the projectee seat. So I will be talking to myself and about myself. If someone pisses me off, to the point of an intense reaction, I know I have been triggered. I know that trigger is rooted deep in self, so I use language to help me figure out what is going on within me. This way I do not inadvertently wound someone else. I use my language to look at myself for answers and then I usually get them.
You can read more about precept language here:
Precept language helps us locate triggers and, by removing the other person, putting our self in both the projector and the projectee seat. So I will be talking to myself and about myself. If someone pisses me off, to the point of an intense reaction, I know I have been triggered. I know that trigger is rooted deep in self, so I use language to help me figure out what is going on within me. This way I do not inadvertently wound someone else. I use my language to look at myself for answers and then I usually get them.
You can read more about precept language here:
Another tool, that I am sure many of us have used is the Four Agreements and, specifically to this article, Don’t take Anything personally. Nothing anyone else does is because of you.
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What others say and do is a projection of their own (life) dream.
We take things personally when we agree with what others have said.
When we do not agree, the things that others say cannot affect us emotionally.
When we do not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior cannot affect us.
More on the Four Agreements here: http://ardenbnb.ca/agreements.htm
Yes this is all very complicated, but humans are complicated creatures. And our use and misuse of language has made this even more so. As well, our idea that we need to hide our emotions and pretend they do not exist so that we appear cool, collected and important, has also made this worse. And then there is the programming we have all undergone since childhood that has been perpetuated by not only parents and family, but bosses, teachers as well as the media. Like I said, complicated.
So with all that being said, if I am in an emotional relationship with you, and you know these two things about me, that I am self aware and that I am also aware of your thoughts and motivations much of the time, and you know that I expect you to be honest with me and as honest with yourself as you are able, then you also need to know that I will not tolerate you being dishonest in an effort to mask your feelings, your wounds and or your perceived lacks.
If I care about you, and I do if we are in an emotional relationship, I will be sensitive to your woundings, I will take care of your heart, I will be sympathetic to your emotional needs and we can try to work through this all at your own pace. I will be here for support. But, if we are in an emotional relationship and whenever a trigger comes up, you resort to self defense mechanisms such as attacking me or projecting your fears and shame onto me, I have only two choices.
My first choice is to work with you on this as long as I am not being emotionally abused or manipulated. And if you are willing to work through this I will be as compassionate as I can. I’m an empath remember, so I literally feel what you are feeling. My second choice, if you choose to continue to project, manipulate me, deflect, defend and attack, is to walk away.
When I walk away, I will try to do it kindly, at first. I will explain what I have seen, how I felt and how it affected me and encourage you to do the same. I will use phrases like “When you did _____ I felt ____” and hope that will open up a healthy dialogue in which we both learn and grow.
I will not do this forever, though. When I have been attacked, projected upon, deflected to, emotionally manipulated and invalidated one too many times. I will resort to option number two. Walking away.
I will not do this forever, though. When I have been attacked, projected upon, deflected to, emotionally manipulated and invalidated one too many times. I will resort to option number two. Walking away.
You should know, I’m a giver, I give all that I can in my relationships and I expect an amount of giving in return. I know life can be hard, and that none of us are perfect, but at this stage in the game self awareness is key if we want to undo those harms that were done to us and at the same time, not harm others.
If that is not possible, and you resort to manipulations or emotional and psychological games or abuse, I have no choice but to resort to option number two. And that, my friends is where I say “Go fuck yourself!’
Like I said, it’s only happened one other time.
If this sounds like you and you'd like to learn more and find out how to get over this, learn to Love yourself, and love your Inner Child contact Lori-Anne
